Mumzzzzzz the Word

Just the other day had a conversation with a very good friend of mine and as we spoke I soon realised she has lost that feeling of being herself. It’s all about being wife, mum, home make and in the mix she drives her day juggling business, house and family. I sensed that for her even going out has become one of those luxuries which she yearns. From a single person's perspective I can imagine having a friend who always breaks dates and appointments soon becomes a bit tiring as the excuses mount up.

“I can’t I’m a mum now,””I don’t do that anymore now I’ve got Sable””You’ll understand when you have kids (or more kids if you’ve only the one), you just don’t do that sort of thing when you’re a mum.”

Sound familiar? Most people know at least one person like this, some know more and sometimes I swear they graze the school playgrounds, shopping centres, online forums looking to herd people along to their way of thinking. Now I’m not saying this is every mum, most mums or even just mums. Sometimes it’s dads too. But there are some mums just like this. That will use these following words.

Scenario A:

Person 1: Fancy bungee jumping without ropes this weekend for the first time? Or swimming crocodile infested waters with me?

Person 2: Erh no not suicidal thanks, wasn’t my thing before and now I’ve got my kids to think about as well as myself it’s even less so.

Scenario
A= perfectly normal response, yes they have kids but they aren’t an excuse or
just part of a reason.

Scenario B:

Person 1: Fancy setting a date to come for a drink down the pub with me for a bit?, or dinner somewhere?

Person 2: Erh no, sorry I don’t do that sort of thing now I’m a mum.

Scenario
B= WTF? You did it before, you’regretting to set time in advance and it’s a good close friend wanting to see you. Why wouldn’t you make time? or more importantly, if you don’t want to spend time, why use being a mum as an excuse and not be honest?

Possibly in the case of going for a drink, some people would give a complete excuse rather than a reason. I got this excuse often and would wonder why......why can’t you sit in Yates, have dinner, a drink and trundle home at half nine because you are a mum????. It’s not like I asked you on the spot, we’re arranging it for the future and I haven’t said to come to Liquid clubbing and flash your knickers at passing men!!! (not that there’s anything wrong with that if that’s your thing, different stokes and all, but I think you’ll find less people taking you up on it-parent or not lol. Hello, are you just ‘mum’ and nothing more, isn’t there a Karen Thomas in there somewhere? Where did your identity go?

This is one of my main issues with those that use the excuses about being a mum. There’s using it as part of a reason, or there’s being honest and saying you are settled and don’t enjoy hanging out with your mates so much/going ...drinking/clubbing/bowling whatever.

And there’s not being honest and grouping these excuses as though all mums think this way, or should act this way. That once you are mum....THAT’S IT! You are making ‘mum’ your only identity like all mums are the same and feel/should act this way once they become mums.

Which is rubbish because things are different person to person family to family and of course things change, your child becomes the centre of you/you and your partner(s) lives. That child is your everything, but that child is not your only thing. That child does not define YOU. Being a mum is not your only function, not all of who you are, it’s a major part yes and who wouldn’t be proud of being a parent and having a child you love and adore? But it’s not your only thing and it’s certainly not something to hide behind.

The saddest thing is when one of my friend’s tells me that now she’s a mum but doesn’t have much sex, doesn’t want to try new things in the bedroom or even redo old ones. She claims being a mum makes all that immoral and distasteful. Yet on closer reflection when you converse with them it becomes evident that other issues are in play...

Other issues of she’s (and this is her personally) tired, fed up, she doesn’t get help with the kids or round the house, dad buggers off and acts the single man then yells at her when she asks for her own time or help, or pesters her with texts when she takes 2 hours out and he’s left ‘babysitting’ (don’t you f****ing hate that word for a dad taking care of his own younglings?), she doesn’t feel they get time together, doesn’t get time to herself, doesn’t feel sexy...and so on.

So it’s far more complex then ‘I’m a mum now, can’t do that’. And it holds true for a lot of other women I’ve spoken to, some who admit using it and now seeing it as an excuse and the problems being big and un-communicated and some who are stuck in the delusion and hiding behind that word. And often, especially online, they feed each other, because it’s easier to agree with someone saying ‘not now I’m a mum’ and feed their delusion and your own, then admit the more complex truth.

So people challenge yourself on this if this is you, or listen/talk to a friend if it’s them. Are you just a mum, nothing more....or are you a complex individual that has many thoughts, feelings,opinions and reasons behind what you are saying? Being a mum doesn’t mean hiding behind a veil of excuses, it means shouting for joy and embracing life whilst sticking your fingers up at the thing that you don’t/do want: the person, the individual with their own thought processes,morals and gumption....

I enjoy being a mum immensely but truth be told being ME is the best feeling in the world!!!!